Brenda's speech for Daniel’s 2nd yahrzeit

Daniel’s 2^nd yahrzeit

First of all, I want to thank you for coming.  Your being here touches me deeply.  It has been two years since Daniel died.  In reserving time today and tonight to his memory, I thought I would share some stories about Daniel since we all came tonight to remember him.  One thing that characterized Daniel was his sense of humor.  He never used his humor to degrade another person.  Usually, he used his humor to defuse a situation.

I remember once a friend thought she was being funny when she said to Daniel, “I can’t believe you are being such an idiot.”  Everyone stopped talking.  It was so quiet.  Where was that remark coming from?  If someone had spoken to me like that, I think I would have shriveled up in a corner.  Instead, Daniel responded,”Well,if I wasn’t such an idiot, we probably wouldn’t be friends.”  Everyone laughed.  In a kind way, he exposed her misconduct and everyone laughed with relief.

 Another incident in which Daniel’s quick wit saved the day was when I was anxious about passing my licensing exam.  There were hundreds of terms and tests to memorize and I was anxious.  As the date neared, I shared my feelings of anxiety with everyone I spoke to.  Then, the night before the exam, I froze.  If I flunked, I would need to tell all these people about my failure.  They would know I didn’t make the grade!  How would that make me look?  Plus, each time I would relay the result, I would have to relive the ignominy of my failure. I could not think of anything else the night before the test.  Daniel came to my rescue by saying, “Don’t worry about that.  If you flunk,all you have to do is tell people that on your way to the exam, a bunch of aliens kidnapped you.  That you never got to the exam after all.” I never had to use that excuse but it relieved me of all that fear that night and the next day.

One day we had a family for the Seder.  During the seder, the woman dropped her wine glass and it broke in smithereens. The woman was stricken.  Daniel said, “Don’t worry about it.  I make it a point to drop a glass at every meal.  You just relieved me of that responsibility.  Now I don’t have to break one.  You did it for me.” 

Daniel had silly nicknames for people that they loved.  One friend he called “the jolly green midget.”  When we asked him why, he said, “Well, she wasn’t a giant, but she was always cheerful.”  When asked where the green came from, he answered, “She is colorful.”  He called Eric, “the Jazz man.”  Devora was “Dee Dee.”  Racheli was the English name, “Rachel.”  Moshe was “Boy, Boy.”  Amira was “T.K.” for “terrific kid.”  Noa was “Noa Zayit.”  Sometimes when guests were over, Daniel would call me “Mrs. Rubin.”  Once we had a Ba’al Tshuva over for lunch who asked if that was a religious custom.  I teased Daniel that he didn’t need to remember my name that way because if he every got married again, he just would have to call his new wife, “Mrs. Rubin.”  We had to abandon one nickname.  He called me “Wifey.”  I found the term patronizing.  I said, “Well, if you call me “Wife-E”, I could call you “Hus-E.” It sounded like “hussy.”  He loved the name.  I had to beg him to stop calling himself that!

Another example of his sense of humour was when he mistakenly wore the pants of one suit with the jacket of another to a friend’s weeding.  I only noticed when we were entering the simcha.  Daniel assured me, “Noone ever looks at what men wear.  Noone will even notice!”  As we walked through the door into the hall, a girlfriend noticed and asked why Daniel was wearing a mismatched suit.  Daniel replied, “It’s funny,  I have another suit just like this one in my closet at home!”  By objectifying hurts, Daniel was able to transcend other people’s petty concerns.  He was an individual and could tweak his nose at conventional thinking and conventional wisdom.

On Friday nights Daniel would go to shul and pick up guests.  If I hadn’t cooked up a storm,he  knew the rule was “only single guys.”  Single guys would be okay with we augmented out food with canned gefilte fish.  One time he bought home a creepy person who was a psychologist.  This psychologist asked our young daughter what she thought about a recent unsolved murder of a 5 year old beauty queen.  The next Shabbat I asked Daniel not to pick up anyone from shul.  He said, “Aw, come on! I thought maybe I could bring home an ax murderer this week.”  We did have wonderful guests too.  One young man from Brazil was a regular guest.  When he got engaged, he brought his fiancé over to meet us.  Usually, he would bring home balei tshuva from different shuls.  For months he would bring home guest from Aish HaTorah.  They would ask questions about Yiddishkeit.  Daniel would share his personal transformation from Chabad.  He would tell them about Herman Wouk’s book, This is My G-d, and Eliezer Kitov’s Book “To Be A Jew.” He would share with them stories that would show he was sensitive to their needs.  Sometimes, they would ask particular information about Aish HaTorah.  We belong to 3 shuls—Beth Jacob Congregation, Young Israel of Century City, and Chabad.  So, we did not know that much about Aish HaTorah.  One Shabbat, he teased me that he was a covert agent working for the Chabad underground at Aish Hatorah.  That joke backfired! The guest told on us! The following Shabbos, the Gabai told Daniel they were going to try to get “true” Aish HaTorah families to offer hospitality and denied Daniel access to their guests. 

Now I have been missing Daniel for two years.  I miss many of his characteristics.  This year, I focused on his humor, his gentle humor, his outrageous humor, his ability to deflate a situation.  Now, according to his “boy, boy,” this is the way we honor his memory most by visiting his kever and celebrating his life.  So, dear friends and family, thank you for honoring his memory by coming tonight.

From Racheli

The Haftarah read after this week’s parasha is taken from Melachim Alef and enumerates different vessels made for the first Beit Hamikdash. In Sefardi communities, they read among other vessels about the two pillars of copper made by Shlomo Hamelech that stood at the entrance of the Beit Hamikdash. Interestingly enough, the pillars were given names, an uncommon phenomenon for inanimate objects in the Torah. Different explanations are given for why they were given names and why specifically the names of Yachin and Boaz. According to Radak, the pillars were given names in order to provide a positive message for those who passed through the doorway to the Beit Hamikdash. Yachin, the Radak explains, is an expression of establishment that Hashem should keep the Beit Hamikdash established forever, and Boaz, which can be translated from “ba oz” conveys “strength within”- a blessing that Hashem should place strength within the Beit Hamikdash. Rabbi Torczyner (pronounced Torch-ee-ner) helps us understand why that message was imparted through the pillars next to the doorway and not through another part of the Beit Hamikdash. He suggests that there is already a precedent of imparting messages through our doorposts, as was done prior to Yetziat Mitzrayim with the blood of the lamb and is a powerful symbol until today with the mezuzot we place on our doorposts. An entrance to one place is an entrance to a new domain and is also a sign of an exit from the previous domain. He explains how the pillars marked the point at which the Jewish people transitioned from the mundane to the sacred- they left the outside world to enter Hashem’s sanctuary. Our houses, batei knesset, and we ourselves should be mikdashei me’at, where we are careful to fill ourselves and our places of living and of worship with holiness. The Chida (read about in Wellsprings of Torah) comments about the naming of the pillars by quoting Chazal who say that the yetzer hara is renewed each day and only with Hashem by our side can we conquer it BUT one will only receive help from Hashem if he/she chooses the fight the yetzer hara on his/her own. The Chida thus understands the message of the two copper pillars that if a person Yachin, will prepare himself and work to act against the evil inclination, with there be “Boaz,” strength within him to help him succeed in the battle.

My father a”h was a man who never stopped “lehachin”- he was a man who strived for and aimed toward increasing holiness in his middot and in his Torah learning. His countless sefarim that he owned and actually read are replete with notes to himself on how and where he would like to improve, his conversations with us always contained a dvar torah along with a check in that we were taking good enough care of ourselves, and the amount of Torah that he learned in the last number of years just increased and increased. He had seen and experienced the world of the mundane and just wanted to work on increasing the sacred. I miss him and his love terribly and draw upon his inspiration every time I listen to a shiur on a commute home or use free time to learn Torah. I pray that we, his descendants, are a credit to his holy neshama. Thank you so much for coming. May his neshama have an aliya.

From Leora Hecht, on Daniel Rubin z'l's 2nd yahrtzeit

Amira,
I wanted to share a thought on simcha in memory of your father, alav hashalom. May the zechus of the Torah shared at his yartzeit seuda, along with the chessed that will be done through your gemach, be an aliyah for his neshama.
At the end of the Tochacha in Sefer Devarim, the pasuk says that these terrible curses come as a result of not having served Hashem with simcha. Rabbi Frand says that it appears quite harsh that bnei Yisrael should receive such strong curses because they are not doing mitzvos with simcha. They are, after all, still doing the mitzvah.

Rabbi Frand presents another difficulty with this idea. Chazal tell us that the Tochacha that we find at the end of Sefer Vayikra corresponded to the events of the First Bais Hamikadash. The Tochacha in Parshas Ki Savo is referring to the period leading up to the destruction of the Second Bais Hamikadash. We know the reason the Second Beis HaMikdash was destroyed was because of sinas chinam. So these two lessons of Chazal seem to contradict each other. Was the second Bais Hamikadash destroyed because of sinas chinam or was it destroyed because they didn't serve Hashem with simcha?

Rabbi Frand suggests that maybe there is no contradiction. That, in fact, there is a link between the ideas of sinas chinam and not serving Hashem with simcha. Failure to serve Hashem with joy, in turn, leads to Sinas Chinam.

Rabbi Frand concludes with the following quote:"When a person is happy with himself, the feeling is contagious. He is willing to share that peace and that happiness. Those feelings affect other people. When a person is not happy with himself, he is miserable and he dislikes other people's happiness or success. Just as happiness rubs off, so too unhappiness rubs off and such a person cannot be satisfied with anyone else's success."

When a person is b'simcha, they exude an ahavas chinam, a love for their fellow Jew. This beautiful trait and lesson for all of us was something I always saw in Dr. Rubin, a"h. Regardless of the situation, he was always b'simcha; always with a smile. His simcha was contagious! He had a zeal for learning Torah and doing mitzvos. His love for every Jew was unparalleled. Though I never saw these ideas as being related, having the zechus of knowing Dr. Rubin, I now see how these middos are actually one.

From Yitzchak Etshalom

I went to visit my folks ז"ל this past Friday and paused for a moment at Daniel - their new neighbor's - site. I was suddenly filled with a sense of good humor and kindness that he always brought with him - an inquisitive mind and sweet smile that are such an uncommon and blessed pairing. I remember him especially at our Saturday night classes, with his infectious laugh and sharp questions, always livening up the learning. His presence at our daf yomi shiur during the last years of his life was a special blessing for all of us and we all miss him.

יהי זכרו ברוך

יצחק / Yitzchak Etshalom

Brenda's Yahrtzeit speech

This Tuesday was the Yahrtzeit/אזכרה (anniversary of the passing) of Daniel ben Kalanomous v'Faygel. Here is Brenda's powerful speech that she read to family and friends:

Eavesdropping on a conversation between two men at a recent NBN event, I heard one of the men explain how he was interested in improving his midot (character traits) since he was getting older and once you die, you become a “story.”  He wanted his story to be one of value.  This is Daniel’s yahrzeit and Thank G-d, Daniel had a good story to tell.  I won’t tell it all because it would take days.

In short, he loved being a doctor and felt privileged that he could help people and do G-d’s work as a doctor and also support a family doing what he loved.  He loved learning Torah and progressed from knowing very little to being able to substitute for a Rabbi at Beth Jacob teaching Daf Yomi (the daily page of Talmud study).  He went through 3 cycles of Daf Yomi.

Not only did Daniel love learning Torah, but he loved being religious.  He loved to tell his story of being a Ba’al Tshuvah (a Jew who turns to embrace Orthodox Judaism) and loved hearing other people’s stories.  He found his own transition to religious Judaism amazing.  George once asked Daniel, “When are you going to stop being a Ba’al Tshuvah and just be like everyone?” Daniel was thrilled to answer that he intended to be a Ba’al Tshuvah his whole life.

Most of all, he loved his family.  When taken to chemotherapy treatments,he told a friend that of all his accomplishments,he was most proud of his children.  Daniel loved his children more than anything else in his life. Daniel and I always intended to make Aliyah since we got married.  We needed to save money, then we had children, then day school expenses, and then . . .

We had a target date for our Aliyah—October 2014.  Daniel got all his credentials certified so he could practice in Israel.  When we did not know Daniel was ill, and we were pursuing Aliyah, I got scared at the prospect of emptying our house and garage of 35 years of clutter.  I thought maybe we could change our plans and continue to go back and forth.  Daniel answered, “I lived too many years of my life without my children and grandchildren.  I don’t want to live so far away from them any more.”  What he said made sense to me.

I wish he had been able to come with me on Aliyah.  I miss him.

Seymour Perl's talk on the Chabad telethon

My best friend Dr. Daniel Rubin passed away in February of this year. His whole life was changed and shaped when, as a 21 year old UCLA medical student, in 1969, he met Rabbi Shlomo Cunin for the first time, on the UCLA campus. Rabbi Cunin was approaching male students to put on tefillin.

Rabbi Cunin helped Dan put on tefillin for the first time. According to Dan’s wife Brenda, Dan was very excited about putting on tefillin and considered it a very emotional and spiritual experience. Rabbi Cunin saw how excited Dan was so he went to his car, and brought back a pair of tefillin which he gave to Dan.

Rabbi Cunin then offered to take Dan with him the following day to the Brandeis Bardin Institute where he was planning to talk to, sing with, and put tefillin on the men and give out Shabbos candles to the women. Dan was thrilled to join him, even though he himself had just learned how to put on tefillin.

Dan spent the day with Rabbi Cunin at Brandeis, helping the campers put on tefillin. He found it to be a very fulfilling experience, helping others connect with their Jewish heritage. This was the beginning of his journey into a Jewish orthodox way of life. He never missed a day of putting on tefillin from that day on.

Dan started going to the Westwood Chabad House to pray and learn every Shabbos while he was in medical school. Rabbi Cunin told me that Dan’s reconnection to Judaism was special and Dan consequently influenced many others to do the same.

Dan always had a Jewish text in his hand so that he could study when he had a free moment. After Dan’s passing, Rabbi Cunin suggested that I study the holy Tanya daily in Dan’s memory. This is Dan’s copy of the holy Tanya that he studied from daily and that I now use daily.

Rabbi Cunin also suggested that my wife Carole should ask a woman to start lighting Shabbos candles once a month in Dan’s memory. A friend has now undertaken this mitzvah.

Dan continued his relationship with Chabad, praying and learning with them at the Chabad near his home. He always gave commentaries on the torah based on the Rebbe’s teachings.

Dan and Brenda raised four children who are religiously committed, as are all their grandchildren. He left a wonderful legacy. It all started with a so-called ‘chance’ meeting on the UCLA campus with Rabbi Cunin, but is anything really caused by chance?

From a friend Jack

Dan was kind, gentle, witty, knowledgeable, and spoke of you (Brenda) and he retiring to Israel. He loved and cherished his family. G‑d's Gifts abounded in Daniel.

I cherish and Dan declined payment for a dreidel and pendant (both inscribed with "the Great Miracle happened here") that he brought me from Jerusalem. We discussed many things, his writings were inspired, and he spoke and wrote of Hillel's dictum, "If I am not for myself, who will be for me; and if I am for myself alone, what am I, and if not now, when."