Brenda's speech for Daniel’s 2nd yahrzeit

Daniel’s 2^nd yahrzeit

First of all, I want to thank you for coming.  Your being here touches me deeply.  It has been two years since Daniel died.  In reserving time today and tonight to his memory, I thought I would share some stories about Daniel since we all came tonight to remember him.  One thing that characterized Daniel was his sense of humor.  He never used his humor to degrade another person.  Usually, he used his humor to defuse a situation.

I remember once a friend thought she was being funny when she said to Daniel, “I can’t believe you are being such an idiot.”  Everyone stopped talking.  It was so quiet.  Where was that remark coming from?  If someone had spoken to me like that, I think I would have shriveled up in a corner.  Instead, Daniel responded,”Well,if I wasn’t such an idiot, we probably wouldn’t be friends.”  Everyone laughed.  In a kind way, he exposed her misconduct and everyone laughed with relief.

 Another incident in which Daniel’s quick wit saved the day was when I was anxious about passing my licensing exam.  There were hundreds of terms and tests to memorize and I was anxious.  As the date neared, I shared my feelings of anxiety with everyone I spoke to.  Then, the night before the exam, I froze.  If I flunked, I would need to tell all these people about my failure.  They would know I didn’t make the grade!  How would that make me look?  Plus, each time I would relay the result, I would have to relive the ignominy of my failure. I could not think of anything else the night before the test.  Daniel came to my rescue by saying, “Don’t worry about that.  If you flunk,all you have to do is tell people that on your way to the exam, a bunch of aliens kidnapped you.  That you never got to the exam after all.” I never had to use that excuse but it relieved me of all that fear that night and the next day.

One day we had a family for the Seder.  During the seder, the woman dropped her wine glass and it broke in smithereens. The woman was stricken.  Daniel said, “Don’t worry about it.  I make it a point to drop a glass at every meal.  You just relieved me of that responsibility.  Now I don’t have to break one.  You did it for me.” 

Daniel had silly nicknames for people that they loved.  One friend he called “the jolly green midget.”  When we asked him why, he said, “Well, she wasn’t a giant, but she was always cheerful.”  When asked where the green came from, he answered, “She is colorful.”  He called Eric, “the Jazz man.”  Devora was “Dee Dee.”  Racheli was the English name, “Rachel.”  Moshe was “Boy, Boy.”  Amira was “T.K.” for “terrific kid.”  Noa was “Noa Zayit.”  Sometimes when guests were over, Daniel would call me “Mrs. Rubin.”  Once we had a Ba’al Tshuva over for lunch who asked if that was a religious custom.  I teased Daniel that he didn’t need to remember my name that way because if he every got married again, he just would have to call his new wife, “Mrs. Rubin.”  We had to abandon one nickname.  He called me “Wifey.”  I found the term patronizing.  I said, “Well, if you call me “Wife-E”, I could call you “Hus-E.” It sounded like “hussy.”  He loved the name.  I had to beg him to stop calling himself that!

Another example of his sense of humour was when he mistakenly wore the pants of one suit with the jacket of another to a friend’s weeding.  I only noticed when we were entering the simcha.  Daniel assured me, “Noone ever looks at what men wear.  Noone will even notice!”  As we walked through the door into the hall, a girlfriend noticed and asked why Daniel was wearing a mismatched suit.  Daniel replied, “It’s funny,  I have another suit just like this one in my closet at home!”  By objectifying hurts, Daniel was able to transcend other people’s petty concerns.  He was an individual and could tweak his nose at conventional thinking and conventional wisdom.

On Friday nights Daniel would go to shul and pick up guests.  If I hadn’t cooked up a storm,he  knew the rule was “only single guys.”  Single guys would be okay with we augmented out food with canned gefilte fish.  One time he bought home a creepy person who was a psychologist.  This psychologist asked our young daughter what she thought about a recent unsolved murder of a 5 year old beauty queen.  The next Shabbat I asked Daniel not to pick up anyone from shul.  He said, “Aw, come on! I thought maybe I could bring home an ax murderer this week.”  We did have wonderful guests too.  One young man from Brazil was a regular guest.  When he got engaged, he brought his fiancé over to meet us.  Usually, he would bring home balei tshuva from different shuls.  For months he would bring home guest from Aish HaTorah.  They would ask questions about Yiddishkeit.  Daniel would share his personal transformation from Chabad.  He would tell them about Herman Wouk’s book, This is My G-d, and Eliezer Kitov’s Book “To Be A Jew.” He would share with them stories that would show he was sensitive to their needs.  Sometimes, they would ask particular information about Aish HaTorah.  We belong to 3 shuls—Beth Jacob Congregation, Young Israel of Century City, and Chabad.  So, we did not know that much about Aish HaTorah.  One Shabbat, he teased me that he was a covert agent working for the Chabad underground at Aish Hatorah.  That joke backfired! The guest told on us! The following Shabbos, the Gabai told Daniel they were going to try to get “true” Aish HaTorah families to offer hospitality and denied Daniel access to their guests. 

Now I have been missing Daniel for two years.  I miss many of his characteristics.  This year, I focused on his humor, his gentle humor, his outrageous humor, his ability to deflate a situation.  Now, according to his “boy, boy,” this is the way we honor his memory most by visiting his kever and celebrating his life.  So, dear friends and family, thank you for honoring his memory by coming tonight.